


The Left Behind Leaves

by RavenclawCipherOfCabinOne



Series: SEAL of the 118 [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Evan "Buck" Buckley Leaves the 118, Gen, Letters, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, U.S. Navy SEAL Evan "Buck" Buckley, characters to be added as they appear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:55:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24084706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenclawCipherOfCabinOne/pseuds/RavenclawCipherOfCabinOne
Summary: Buck's done being left behind.Hewantsa family that will never leave him. He thought he had that with the 118 and with Maddie now. But he's shaken and unsure. So...he makes a choice.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley
Series: SEAL of the 118 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755655
Comments: 8
Kudos: 322
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales, Navy SEAL!Evan "Buck" Buckley





	1. Buck

Given the chaos around the circumstance, Buck thinks he handled seeing Abby again pretty well. 

It'd been a past love, and important love though. One forged on piqued interest rather than physical lust. Abby had a lot to do with Buck becoming a better version of himself, and he'll always be thankful for that. Her leaving him still hurt in ways that never really healed. 

His brief friendship with Red also made him think of things he didn't really think about. 

Being a firefighter was all he wanted to be. Fame and riches? He's been offered both in different variations, but none of them compared to being with the 118. With his family, making a difference, saving people! For a while, he thought it was a forever thing. Something solid. 

How could it not be? 

They worked together! They were amazing at what they did! They all had a place to belong and they all worked! Why wouldn't everyone else want this to be a forever thing like him? 

But he saw an echo of the response, hadn't he? 

Bobby had Athena and their kids. Their own lives and experiences to have as their own family unit. Not to mention helping Michael through his situation. Buck, understood it. But Athena and Bobby worked in tangent and still in sync...they made time for the 118. Their...extended family. 

But extended families eventually only met for the holidays, didn't they?

Hen and Karen were in the same boat. 

Chim and Maddie were closer to being his family than anyone else but at the same time...they were still in a new serious relationship. Buck was invited here and there but in the end, it was about the two of them, wasn't it? They would build their own family. Sure 'Uncle Buck' sounded amazing! But...that was a side part, wasn't it? 

Eddie and Christopher were a big part of his life...and he was a big part of theirs, right? 

For a while, he wouldn't doubt it. 

And yet...there was a drift. 

Suddenly he realized how... _dependent_ he was of the team. And how _expendable_ he was to them. 

The idea snakes its way into his head randomly one night, but it clings and haunts him ever since. He waits and bides some time before taking some time off and tries. He won't know until he tries, he's told. As well that if at first you don't succeed to try again. 

This time was different than last time.

Last time he was a lost boy who yearned for a family. 

This time he's a man who got a taste of what having a family was but feared not being important enough for them to keep him. If he made it this time...the only way he'd be left behind was if Death itself finally claimed him. 

Buck left as a firefighter of the 118 but returned as a SEAL with a handful of letters to mail before he's shipped out. 


	2. Bobby & Athena

Buck stayed up late into the night writing all of the letters that needed to be written. Only one of them was typed out and printed for the sake of official professionalism. And that was his letter of resignation. He wonders if it'll be easier starting with Bobby or ending with Bobby. Buck suspects there'll be a reaction. He hopes so at least. Maybe it's childish, but he _hopes_ that when people learn of his decision they'll _feel_ an emotion! 

If he were Buck 1.0 he might be hoping for something dramatic, but he's not that Buck anymore. He's not even sure he's Buck 2.0 anymore either. Buck 3.0 was different for so many reasons. He just wanted proof that he'd meant something to the people he served along side of. 

In the end he does decide to start with Bobby. He was his Captain and deserved to be notified first. As a professional courtesy. Bobby also had a much calmer demeanor. Buck was nervous as fuck about telling everyone else, he wanted the first person he told to...react _okay_. Like yes, have a reaction that would let Buck know he'd be missed...but someone who wouldn't have a melt down either. 

So Buck waited until almost everyone of the team had gone and Bobby was alone, wrapping up some end of the day things. Knocking gently on his office, Buck waited for the gentle order to enter. 

Bobby offered a small smile and asked, "What's up, Buck?"

Buck swallowed thickly before he straightened his shoulders and took a deep breath. He was s SEAL now, and he would have less fear now. Pulling a letter out of his pocket, he handed it to Bobby and simply waited. 

"What's this?" Bobby asked as he accepted the blank envelope. Buck simply nodded to the envelope in response. With a furrowed brow, Bobby opened the unsealed envelope and took out the paper inside. Unfolding it, he read through the letter, frowning more and more with each word. "Buck...what's the meaning of this? You're...quitting?" 

"I...am. Resigning sounds a bit more dignified." 

" _Why_?" Bobby demanded. It was a loaded question. 

But the answer was simple. Or it was now. At first the answer had been very complicated for Buck. "I grew, Cap. My work here...it's been amazing. I'll always take it with me. But...it's time for the next step." 

Bobby was clearly very confused about the situation. He hadn't seen this coming. Sure Buck had taken some time off, time which they rarely heard anything from him, but he hadn't seen any signs that told him he should have been worried for Buck. "Are you in trouble?"

"No. It's not like that. It's something good!" Buck said proudly, smiling. "I...I tried out to be a SEAL again, Bobby."

" _What_?" 

"Last time I didn't have what it took. But now...I do." 

"Buck..." 

"It's been an honor and a privilege to have been under your charge, Captain Nash." Buck said professionally. His eyes held a lot of emotion, but he had to be Buck 3.0 now. "I've become a better man, a stronger man. And I know it couldn't have been possible without you. Thank you."

* * *

"What do you mean he's quit?" Athena demanded when Bobby told her about Buck. 

Bobby shrugged and shook his head a bit in his not knowing. Buck leaving the 118 was hard, yes...but knowing why he was leaving and what he was leaving to do? That was so damn hard. He's sure his blood pressure's through the roof and that he's gained a dozen new white hairs. 

"I just...I don't understand. You really had no clue?"

"None," Bobby answered. After a paused he sighed, "No, that's not true. I guess it was there. Slightly."

Athena gave her husband a look and then told him, "Go on."

"I knew he tried out to be a SEAL before. He didn't make the cut then. He said he couldn't shut off all that they were asking him to in order to get done what they need to get done." 

"And that's changed since then?" Athena questioned. 

"Something's changed."

"Care to share? That look in your eyes tells me it's a very heavy burden."

Bobby sighed deeply. "Buck's been having some worries."

"Worries?" Athena echoed. 

"Yeah. About what comes next. The team's in a good place but it's no secret that everyone's got things going on in their lives. We have each other, the kids and important mile stones, plus helping Michael. Hen has Karen and Denny and the baby. Chim and Maddie are steady. They're there for Buck sure but..."

"This is possibly Chim's first real serious relationship with anyone and Maddie's first real relationship after her nightmare of an ex husband?" Athena guessed. Bobby nodded. "What about him and Eddie? I thought their bond was strong. And I know Christopher loves his Buck." 

"They do, and he does. But there's still a weird line there...it's not been crossed. And because it hasn't Buck may feel like..."

"It's not permanent. He's a lone Buck with a family with their own families. His job and his team are everything, so it makes sense for him to want to join others who feel the same." Athena summed up with a sigh. She looked at her husband and they shared a look of concern. "We can't stop him. Not if this is _his_ next step." 

"I know. Doesn't mean I'll stop being worried." Bobby paused for a moment before he pulled out a packet of letters. "He's asked me to give these to the team."

Athena frowned, "He's...he's shipping out and not telling anyone?"

"He doesn't want to make it a big deal. Not for this. And he's never been good at goodbyes." 

"And you said yes."

He gave her a helpless look, "How could I say no to him?"

"Better question will be, what will you tell the team?"

"I don't know. But I'll go and deliver them now. He wanted me to wait but...if they want to find him or call him...they should, right?" 

"Come on, I'll drive. Letters these important deserve a police escort." 


	3. Hen & Karen

"Hey Bobby, Athena. Hen didn't mention you guys were coming over." Karen said as she opened the door. 

"She didn't know we were coming." Athena replied. 

"We didn't know until recently." Bobby added. 

Given the time it was, and the slight serious tension the two were carrying, Karen frowned, "Is everything okay?" 

"Yes. And no. May we come in?" Bobby answered. 

Karen nodded and let them in. After locking up behind them, she led them to the kitchen, "Hen's just putting the kids down to sleep. Is this a wine sort of conversation or something strong?" 

"Captain? Athena? I thought I heard voices...what's going on? Why are you here?" Hen asked as she joined them. 

Bobby shared a look with Athena before pulling out the letter to Hen form his pocket. He looked from it to her and with a sigh he handed it over. "It's from Buck." 

"Buck? What?" Hen asked as she opened the envelope.

"Why would Buck send a letter? I thought he came back from his trip." Karen said. 

"He did. But it's about said trip." Bobby told her. 

"Okay, I'm going to need y'all to stop with the crypticness and tell me what's going on before I have a freak out." Karen demanded. 

"Oh my god..." Hen muttered. Which didn't do anything to help Karen's worry. For the moment Hen forwent her wife and looked at Bobby with a heartbroken expression, "Is this serious? He's leaving?" 

" _Leaving_?" Karen echoed as she accepted the letter from her wife so she could read it herself. 

"You're not going to let him go, are you?" Hen asked Bobby. 

Bobby gave her a helpless look. "There's nothing I can do, Hen. He's an adult. He's applied himself and he's been accepted. It's his choice."

"Bobby, this isn't some transfer! He'll be going to God knows where and doing God knows what!" Hen cried out. 

"Hen. I _know_." Bobby told her, his eyes holding all of the emotions that he didn't speak. 

"He's been through so much medically..." Hen tried feebly to find more reasons that would keep Buck from shipping out. 

"He's been cleared." Athena told her gently. "We've been through all the reasons to keep him, but the thing is, as Bobby said...this is his choice."

"But why is he choosing this?" Karen asked. "This is _our_ Buck, right? The same one who jumps at the chance to be around the 118? Who-"

"Who was worried that we'd eventually stop being a family as we all get wrapped up with our own?" Hen asked quietly as she met Bobby's gaze again. There was a silent conversation, as they remembered Buck's worries after what happened to his friend, Red. "Is this really happening, Bobby?"

"Seems so..."

"Chimney hasn't called to vent about however Maddie took this." Karen commented. She looked between Bobby and Athena with a questioning gaze. 

"They don't know. Not yet. Buck left letters for everyone. I was supposed to wait a few days but..." Bobby said. 

"They have to know, Bobby. Wait, he doesn't want to say goodbye?" Hen asked, a bit heartbroken. 

"It's hard for him to have made this decision. This was how he wanted it done. I already feel bad for not completing his wishes, but..." 

"Maddie's going to freak. But not as much as Eddie. Who are you going to tell first?" Karen asked. 

"I don't know." Bobby admitted. 

"Where is he now?" Hen asked.

"He should still be at his apartment I think." Bobby answered. 

"Then go and decide who you tell next. I'm going to go and see him." Hen told them. 

"Alright. Good luck." Bobby told her. 

"You're the one that's going to tell Maddie and Eddie that Buck's leaving...trust me, between you and me, _you're_ the one that needs the luck." 


	4. Chim & Maddie

"This won't be easy." Bobby told Athena as they waited in her car out front.

"No. This won't be." Athena agreed.

"Chim's already freaking out about Hen becoming a doctor and leaving the 118. He and Buck have a solid friendship. I don't know how he'll react at all. And then there's Maddie..." 

"We can always go and tell Eddie first." Athena suggested. 

Bobby made a face, "I honestly don't know who is going to take it harder."

"Well, as much as I love being with you in intimate settings we can't sit here all night before someone calls the cops on us. I'd really rather not have to explain that to the station." 

Bobby sighed but nodded as he got out. Athena shut off the engine and followed her husband towards the door and interlocked their fingers as he rung the doorbell. Chim opened the door for them, looking happy and surprised with a bit of curiosity. "Cap? Not that we mind the visit but...wait, is everything okay?"

"Uh...can we come in?" Bobby asked. 

Chim didn't look happy that his paranoia wasn't dismissed, but let them in. "Maddie and I were just finishing up dinner. But can we offer you two anything?"

"Hey guys. What's this about?" Maddie asked as she came to greet them as well. 

"Thank you but we're not here for a social visit." Bobby told Chim, regarding the drinks.

Maddie and Chim shared a concerned look before they showed the other couple to the living room and they all found a seat. Immediately Maddie's mind went to her brother, "Is this about Buck?" The look Bobby gave towards Athena spoke volumes and Maddie reached for Chim's hand and gripped it like a vice. 

"Cap?" Chim urged.

Bobby reached into his pocket and pulled out two sets of letters and handed each one to their intended person. 

"Why do I get a feeling this isn't some random 'You're-Awesome-And-Handsome' bonus check?" Chim asked as he and Maddie opened their envelopes. Maddie practically tore hers open while Chim was a lot more cautious. He was looking towards Bobby to tell him rather than read it from a letter. Especially when he heard Maddie gasp. 

"Buck...resigned." Bobby began. 

Chim made a face. Those words that just left Bobby's mouth just didn't compute. " _What_?"

"Buck has...he's tried out to be a SEAL again. And he's made it." Bobby summarized

Chim looked over to Maddie and it crushed him to see her get more and more upset. Tears were falling from her eyes and didn't seem to be stopping any time soon. The pain and sorrow in them was unquestionable. Fear creeping up next as she realized what the information meant. 

"I...I don't...I don't understand. _Why_? Why would he... _why_?" Maddie demanded as she bolted up and began to pace. 

Chim tried to reach for her but decided against it when she sent him a warning look. 

"This is all my fault..." Maddie muttered as she stormed towards her keys. 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Maddie, wait! Look, this is...this is a shock. But it's not your fault, okay?" Chim exclaimed as he reached out for her. 

"Isn't it?" She spun around and demanded of him. "I left him. _Twice_. I...I _leave_. Abby left! People just...they keep leaving him and he's tired of it, Chim. He feels...that things are changing and they _are_. He doesn't know where he fits into all of it and so he's doing this...to make sure he's not left behind again. And I...I have to...I have to go and..."

Chim didn't like the thought of losing Buck. Guilt rose and ate up at him anyway as he thought back to all the smaller moments he could have helped Buck feel more secure in their lives. He wasn't going anywhere, and neither was Maddie. They were starting something new, sure, but that didn't mean they didn't have room for Buck. But then...was it fair to keep Buck as a sort of 'side piece' if he had a desire to feel more incorporated? "And what, Mads?" 

She looked helplessly between all of them and shrugged, "I don't know. Okay? But...I have to talk to him."

"Hen's already on her way to do the same." Bobby told them. 

"You told Hen first?" Maddie demanded. 

"Buck asked me to deliver these letters after he shipped out. I already feel horrible about betraying him like this but I knew I couldn't keep it to myself. And Hen was the easiest person to tell. She loves Buck but...you're his sister." Bobby told Maddie. 

"You haven't told Eddie yet?" Chim asked with a surprised expression. Thinking about how that was going to go, he sympathized with his captain. Helping Maddie through this wasn't going to be easy by any means, but he knew that Eddie was not going to take it well. 

"We came here first on a coin flip if I'm honest..." Bobby admitted. 

"We're off to tell Eddie now." Athena said following Bobby as they headed towards the door. 

"We're going to Buck's place." Maddie told them as she pulled out her phone and began calling her brother immediately. 

"I guess we'll see you...after whatever happens, happens. Good luck, Cap." Chim told him as he waited for them all to leave so he could lock up.

As Bobby and Athena reached their vehicle, they could hear Maddie cry into the night, " _Evan Buckley, you answer your damn phone!"_

"This is rather tame of a reaction if you ask me." Bobby commented. 

"We're just the messengers, hon. We're not Buck." Athena answered. She pulled out her phone when it pinged. 

"What is it?" Bobby asked when he noticed her facial expression. 

"It's Hen."

"Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like what she has to say?"

"Because as far as she's concerned, Buck's not at his place. And he's not answering his phone." Athena told him. 

"So...telling Eddie's going to be a lot harder now that we also have to tell him Buck's gone MIA. Great." 


	5. Eddie

"After this...we deserve a double fudge brownie with ice cream and the works." Athena commented as they pulled up to Eddie's place. 

"With a family movie marathon as an added comfort." Bobby commented as he and Athena stared at the house in unison. 

Texts from Hen and Chim have let them know that Buck's pretty much packed up most of his things and isn't in his apartment anymore. Apparently he foresaw this and just wasn't ready to see any of them. 

"Probably not the best time and we will talk about this in depth later, but...are you okay?" Athena asked him gently. 

Bobby stared intently at Eddie's house as he tried to see if there was any movement inside. Part of him hoped that Buck was inside and that he and Eddie has hashed out whatever they needed to hash out after Buck revealed the news. But it was too quiet for that. He knew Buck and Eddie had a very special bond, and with Christopher being away at camp, Eddie wouldn't have to worry about getting loud and yelling at Buck like he would have if his son was at home. 

Turning to his wife, Bobby sighed. "I...don't know what I am." He admitted honestly. 

When he first learned the news, it was shocking. Since realizing what needed to be done and being more worried about how the rest of the team would react, he hasn't really focused on how he felt. Not fully. 

For as much as he's claimed multiple times over and over that Buck wasn't his son, and his responsibility was limited to that of what his captain's status allowed, he couldn't help but feel a father's worry. 

He couldn't know the team mates that Buck will have and if they'll look out for him the way the 118 has. He wouldn't be able to know full detailed reports of all that's Buck's been through. Buck himself was someone that Bobby's known pretty well after years of working with him, but also because Buck wore his heart on his sleeve. Even if he managed to pass whatever hellish tests needed to become a SEAL, Bobby was still concerned that Buck's heart was too big and too soft for the sort of pain awaiting him. 

And yet...he also felt a sense of pride. 

"This isn't going to be easy, but it's not going to get done with us just sitting out here." Bobby said as he got out. 

Athena followed suit and together they walked up to Eddie's house and rang the doorbell. It took a moment, but Eddie opened the door. There were traces of small bits of popcorn on his shift, so they assumed he himself was having a movie night. 

Eddie greeted them with a bit of a smile, but it was strange to see the two of them show up unannounced like that. "Hey Cap. Athena. Um...everything okay?"

"Can we come in?" Bobby asked. 

Eddie's unease grew, which was clear on his face but he side stepped and opened the door wider to let them in. "Sure. I was just catching up on some action movies not child appropriate to pass the time..." 

Once they were all in the kitchen area, and the Nash-Grant couple declined on any drink offers, Eddie couldn't help but ask more seriously, "What's going on?" 

Athena patted Bobby's shoulder in sympathy and support. Eddie saw the exchange and he felt anxiety grip his heart tightly. Bobby reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope and passed it over. 

Unlike previous times when Bobby decided to explain what was going on, he waited for Eddie to read the letter Buck wrote. He didn't have a proper way to voice this to Eddie, so he hoped Buck would do it properly. 

Both Bobby and Athena saw as Eddie's face shifted between emotions. From confusion to shock to disbelief mixed with anger. And it was the last two things that he looked up with and demanded, "What the fuck is this? Buck _left_?"

"He's become a SEAL and is supposed to ship out soon." Bobby replied. 

"And you let him?" Eddie cried out. 

"This isn't within his power," Athena answered. Though she knew Bobby could handle himself around his team, she couldn't just sit by and let her husband, who was struggling with his own emotions about this, deal with all of the reactions alone. She knew she had an authoritative way about her that she hoped would help this situation in some way. 

"But he came to you in person?" The hurt in Eddie's voice was loud and clear. 

"When he came to hand in his letter of resignation, yes. He also asked me to deliver these after he was shipped out." Bobby replied. 

"I just saw him the other day!" Eddie exclaimed. He tried to think back on when he last saw Buck. To recall what his behavior was, what they last talked about. But it was all fuzzy. He was too caught up thinking about making sure Christopher would have all he needed while he was away at camp. To make sure that Christopher knew all of the names and numbers that mattered in case of emergencies. 

"He asked Bobby to wait until he was gone to give out these letters, but I've convinced him to deliver them early." Athena told him. 

At hearing that, Eddie took out his phone to call Buck. Athena and Bobby watched, both silently hoping Buck would answer, but both also having a strong feeling Buck wouldn't. 

It was so quiet that they all heard when it eventually went to voicemail. Eddie didn't accept it and called again. And again. And again. 

"Eddie..." Bobby called out to him. 

Eddie shook his head and went to grab his keys, "I'm heading over to his place."

"Hen, Chim, and Maddie are already there. He's...he's never been good with goodbyes." Bobby told him. 

Eddie's nostrils flared as anger and despair washed over him and he had no idea how to properly let it out. "What the hell are we supposed to do? Just let him go? Wha...what about us? What about..." He wanted to say ' _us_ ' again but mean it in their dynamic; Buck and Eddie. And then a new knot formed and he felt like he was going to be sick. "What the hell am I supposed to tell Christopher?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to those who have read.
> 
> I have a lot of stories I need to work on and complete, so this is it for now. I do plan on a continuation at some point. I'm not sure when the inspiration will strike. Maybe soon, maybe not. But until then, stay safe!
> 
> And Thank you again for reading :)


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